purple clouds and pink stars.

can't believe myself.

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 05:53:53 GMT

this past week was the first week of school, only lectures, no tutorials yet.

so yesterday i went for my malay 3 lesson. i was kinda excited, i like malay and taking malay 3 would be challenging myself. so yea. anyway shaan wanted to come sit in the class too so we went together. i was slightly late and when i went into the class, i saw about 10 people, instead of the 7 that i was expecting to see according to ivle. (there were 8 people in the class roster, so minus myself should be only 7). but i only saw 5 familiar faces from malay 2. then where did the rest suddenly appear from?!?! ok so there were these funny people who we'd never seen in malay 1 or 2. excusable was this jap girl who is on exchange for 1 year. she's majoring in malay studies so thats fine. then there was this other guy (god knows where the fuck he came from). he was just spouting malay like nobody's business. we were lost in his conversation man. like.. what the hell he should be in malay 5 or 6 excuse me. and here you are in malay 3, making all of us look like stammering idiots.

so me and another friend were quite worried. here's the part i cant believe about myself. we decided to go talk to the cikgu and oust him out from the class. haha. thing is, if he's just sitting in and not taking the exam then im fine with it. but if he's taking the exam, and nus exams go by bell curves, then i'm so screwed! i always thought of myself as one who takes modules out of interest and not coz it will pull up my CAP score. but yesterday, i wanted this guy out of my class coz if he was gonna push me down then what! and seriously, if he's taking the exam, i will consider dropping malay 3 as much as i like it. yes i could view him as a challenge and rise up to the challenge all that nonsense, but i dont think i will put in SO MUCH effort as to match up to his standard now. and currently my CAP is 3.7, which i'm really satisfied with. but if possible i really want to pull it up to a 4.0 so i can attempt to get my 2nd upper honours. so if malay 3 is gonna pull my CAP down then i'd rather drop it. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I'M GETTING CAUGHT IN THE DAMN RAT RACE.

hello there.

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 04:19:06 GMT

hmmm been kinda long since i last updated. in the office now. slacking. haha.

school is gonna start soon again! as of NOW, (NOTE: i emphasize the 'now' coz i know i will regret saying this soon), i'm kinda excited about school! like to learn new things and all.. many things to consider though. a minor in gender studies? cultural studies? urban studies? what about honours? sighh. school is alright i guess, just the planning timetable part, such a chore i tell you.

anyway its friday and i have nothing after work. how sad huh. haha. sobs. i'll probably just go back after work. man. i'm how boring.

nothing much has happened for me. working at tiasa. sometimes its fun, sometimes its boring. haha. as for me and *ahem*, nothing much either. still the same. status quo is what i'd call it. oh well. shrug. i'm honestly quite surprised at myself. been around 5 months. and im still hanging on. what a joke. someone said this about me, "the player being played". haha. quite funny in a way. karma. its all about karma. what goes around comes around. i think i believe in it. makes sense huh.

suddenly the world seems so much larger.

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 17:35:19 GMT

dad said just now that he will be jobless as of next month. scary. daunting. i don't know what to expect, honestly. after mum got retrenched, dad's been the sole breadwinner. mum is a housing agent now but thats once in a while only. sis has a job but not much either. i feel bad. i'm in uni and fees are so ex. and i wanted to get a laptop. i guess that will have to wait. just thinking now about whether or not to rent out my room. that will really save quite a bit. sighh.

scared. of what is to come. but meanwhile, i will really cut back on whatever expenses. and i will work at tiasa whenever i can. to support myself i guess. and try to pay for hall too.

it's time to grow up.

IMPORTANT!

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 16:40:32 GMT

heyy everyone, i lost my phone, together along with all my contact numbers. so please kindly sms or call me to let me get your numbers again. and if you're feeling a tad bit rich, can get me a phone too. thanks.

(please help pass the message, about both the numbers and phone part. thanks!)

almost here.

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 16:24:44 GMT

Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind i?d left you
And when I hold you your almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

-

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 11:22:12 GMT

finally, WFC 2005 is over. it ended well, with singapore coming in third in div B, which is one placing higher than their previous ranking. and we've got new div A winners! SWITZERLAND! how cool right. it's the first time ever, switzerland has won any international team sport. can you imagine! they were SO HAPPY, i felt like crying tears of joy for them too. haha.

it's all over. relieved in a way because the past few days have been a mad rush. reaching home and sleeping in the wee hours of the morning, only to get up early again. just the other night, i dreamt that i was selling t shirts. in my dream! more like a nightmare huh. but somehow, although we are all glad it's over, there is this sense of emptiness. like.. huh suddenly nothing to do alre.

but anyhow, it's been a real eye-opener. i think it's my first and probably last time getting to watch world class players from all over the world play floorball in singapore. i didnt get to watch alot, coz was helping most of the time, but from what i caught, it was enough. it's simply amazing. a whole different level of playing. and stefan offered me a free stick of my choice, and a chance to go back to swiss club. should i? i really dont know. i recently found out why he didnt really want me in swiss club. the reason is fucking dumb. but i accept it anyway.

yayy!

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 15:32:50 GMT

yayy! thanks to jan for teaching me how to put photos on my LJ!

anyway, had long day. worked then helped out floorball. i must be sick. like really sick. you know how i know? i didnt have dinner just now, and i'm not hungry! something MUST be wrong. heh. ok. sleep.

time to move on.

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 01:59:49 GMT

yesterday i handed over the key to jamie. goodbye. i quote from the song again:

"goodbye to everything i thought i knew"

thanks once again to joyce sharon jan and aud for being there. you may not have to do anything, but just by adding me to your little family does wonders. now i understand how important friends are. like joyce said, i will live my life happier for you all. yes no doubt i live my life for myself too. no more punishing myself, no more thinking i'm not deserving or i'm not worth it. POSITIVE THOUGHTS.

been helping out at floorball, many many interesting things have happened, but too lazy to type them all out. oh and for jan and aud and sharon, i've got the pics of the swiss no 17 already! but i dont know how to post pictures yet, so when i know how to i'll let you guys see it! hehe.

help requested.

Sat, 28 May 2005 17:56:26 GMT

I WANT THE NUMBER OF THE SINGER AT PAULANA. :)

thanks.

Sat, 28 May 2005 17:19:16 GMT

i wanna say a big thank you to joyce, jan and aud for pulling me along for drinks after dinner. wanted to go home after dinner actually coz was tired and not in too good a mood. but they made me laugh over drinks. hee. and they gave me the chance to notice *ahem*. hee. so,

THANK YOU! :)

aching feet.

Thu, 26 May 2005 02:42:35 GMT

wow, yesterday at work, it was real tiring. i worked split shift, from 11-3 then 6-10. supposed to finish at 10 but it was so busy last night, we finally finished at 11 plus. amazingly, people still came at 9 plus to order dinner. hmmm. my feet were killing me and i was real tired. anyway, i took orders for the first time yest! hee. decided to give it a go during dinner and it is kinda fun! a little scared ar first, like fumble here and there a little, but generally it was okay.. not bad! haha. won't be working till next week alre, but think next week i will be damn tired also, coz i'll be helping out for floorball too. see how ba.

work.

Tue, 24 May 2005 01:51:30 GMT

first day of work at swiss culture yesterday.
my gosh, i tell you, it was soooo much better than the pin le one. well before that, i had to find a black polo tee to wear to work coz they haveny give me uniform yet, so i went to buy one. anyway can wear out also mah. so i bought mine from fila. for 18 bucks plus. cheap, and it was very comfortable! i bought the size xs.

sometimes i amaze myself. when i hold up my shirts and i'm like.. i wear these? haha. oh well.

back to work. i was a little nervous at first. but the people were really friendly. so not that bad. i got to serve the customers! only thing i didnt do was to take orders coz i dont know the food well or the short form yet. the only thing i must brush up on for now is using the tray. hee.

when yuan called me after work, first thing i told her is that we're so taking this job. anyway today is her turn for training so let's see what she has to say. but i dont think it'll be anything bad. oh yea, lunch was even provided! we had like rice, veg, chicken wing and salmon! how cool is that!

i know mum isnt too keen about my this job AGAIN. but what can i do. i can only hope that one day, she will be able to realise i like what i'm doing. yes, serving people may be nothing glam or atas but it's what i like. like the other time i worked at spin, she was always asking me to look for an office job, or leave when i got a better job. yes i admit work in this line is damn tiring, but i like it. and i've always been one to go after what i like and not for the money, so why cant she just be happy for me? truth is, i dont think she ever will. even when i chose to study arts in nus, she wasnt too happy. like it's too general a degree, and she still sees it as a dumping ground for those who cannot go anywhere else. but heyy, i've never had so much fun studying before! yes studying for the exams are a chore but besides that, the modules i choose are interesting and to my liking. i'm happy with my course.

i dont even know why i try so hard to seek acceptance from her. i guess, at the end of the day, no matter how angry or upset i am with her, she is afterall my mother, and we all want our mothers to be proud and happy of us. i wonder if i've ever done anything or will do anything to make her proud of me. highly unlikely i say. oh well. -shrug-

ESPECIALLY FOR JOYCE.

Sat, 21 May 2005 17:12:05 GMT

joyce ah joyce, i'm not very good with words but i can provide a listening ear anytime you need. :)

tired.

Sat, 21 May 2005 17:11:18 GMT

i just got back not too long ago from my first day at work. found work at this place, its called pin le, which sells like all the soy bean stuff similar to jollibean. pay aint that great but it doesnt really bother me coz i'd rather have that experience in the F&B industry. i started work with yuan today, we worked from 4-10 but it seemed like forever. coz there was so much washing and cleaning up to be done constantly. it's a very physically demanding job. seriously. i'd say the job was like 70% manual labour and 30% sales. therefore, we are thinking of switching jobs. HAHA.

you see, on friday we went job hunting and we were offered 2 jobs. jokes god play on us. first we cant find any jobs then suddenly we get offered two on the spot. the other one is at swiss culture. so we talked about it and decided to go ahead with pin le. but i kept forgetting to call back the manager at swiss culture to tell him we werent gonna show up for work. so now we've decided to try out the swiss culture one too! so yuan thinks it was a sign that i didnt call the manager up yet. perhaps.

but i dont know. today while working those 6 hours, i had no time to think about any rubbish. and if i continue working at this pin le, i think we will do closing most of the time, which is DAMN tiring. so it'll be good coz by the time i reach home i'll be too damn tired to think of anything and just go to sleep. which was my plan originally. to work my ass off and tire myself out so that i wouldnt have difficulty sleeping at the end of the day. so if i choose to work at swiss culture, most of the time i'd work 11-3 or 12-4, which might tire me too yes, but its not so close to bedtime. so.. i dont know!

ok i'll just go work at swiss culture on monday and see how it goes. for all i know, i might not even like it. yup!

anyway, last night went for dinner with joyce and co. at siam kitchen at bugis. we had the buffet thing. so they brought out 20 dishes. and whatever you like you just order more! wow i tell you.. haha. we didnt order anything more. and old them old fuddy duddys (hee no offence) stopped after eating a bit! left me eating alone. felt pressured to eat faster. haha. then after that we went some pub at tanjong pagar. not bad! wasnt too crowded and it was just a place to chill. so quite nice.

ok tired. need to rest.

i remember!!

Thu, 19 May 2005 08:56:19 GMT

okok i better hurry write this down before i forget.

i think i have a love-hate r/s with my mum. like yesterday we went out to bugis to just walk around and have lunch. we had lunch at sakae sushi. yummy. but half the time she was on the phone. you see, she's a property agent. a slack one. but she tries very hard. then after lunch we walked around, and she bought a pair of new shoes! happy for her. but then again, half the time she was on the phone again. i felt like i was walking around by myself.

okay, confession, i hate it when she's on the phone. be it whether we're out or at home, nowadays she keeps talking on the phone. like.. then where do i come in in all of her phone conversations?! then mid day or evening or weekends, she'll go out to show houses. and leave me to cook, iron, etc.
but then again, it's good she's doing this right. since she's got nothing to do at home, and rather than sitting at home doing nothing, she keeps herself busy and gets to earn a bit for herself too.

conclusion: i shouldnt feel angry at her.

but i think i love my mum rather much. i've never been a big fan of those peranakan kueh. but my mum likes it. but she cant eat too much, coz she's got diabetes and those kuehs are sweet. so yesterday she wanted to eat ondeh-ondeh but they were selling 3 small balls for a dollar. and she asked me if i wanted to share with her. i said no, then she said she didnt wanna buy anymore coz she didnt wanna eat too much and i guess 3 for her were too many. i could tell she really wanted to eat so i told her i'd share with her. and so she bought it. could tell she was happy she could eat it. i helped her eat a bit so she wouldnt eat consume too much sugar. see i'm how nice. hee.

STM (short-term memory)

Wed, 18 May 2005 16:30:42 GMT

everytime i log in, i feel like i have many many things i wanna write about. then when i start.. i forget everything i wanna say. haha. thats why i always end up typing rubbish here.

ok so anyway, i'm excited! tmr evening gonna meet my godsis and try gowns for her wedding! i'm gonna be her bridesmaid. hee. my first time. how fun! then friday afternoon meet cikgu at her office, then help her put up posters for sat's open house. at night i'll most prob meet ms tham they all and go have her belated birthday celebration. apparently we're going siam kitchen. i suggested it coz sharon says ms tham likes thai food then today i saw this siam kitchen thing at bugis and they've got like buffet ala carte so not bad. but considering its 20 bucks per person, i might just join them for drinks afterwards only la.. no money. heehee. so thats friday night.. then sat will help cikgu at open house again! she says we're gonna be her ambassadors for malay language. haha.

i decided to help her coz she's been real nice to us these 2 sems. very patient and kind teacher.

can't wait for 28th to come. then can help out at the championships. joey asked if i mind doing everyday, i told him no. haha. i dont mind. then at least for one full week i'll be packed and not bored at home.

oh by the way. i turned down the offer. but thanks anyway. really appreciate it.

friendster.

Tue, 17 May 2005 03:08:13 GMT

was checking my email and i saw that barney wrote me a testimonial in friendster so i decided to log in. okay you can see how bored i am. so i started reading the testimonials that people have written to me, not alot really, only 18. haha. but i read it through.. and i saw my first few testimonials were from my floorballer friends. and they wrote about me, about my passion for floorball, about my love for it. and i feel so sad when i read it now. what has become of me? why have i stopped? just because i suffered some small stupid little setback, i let it destroy my love for floorball.

but i'm gonna help out at the world floorball championships. FIRST TIME HELD OUTSIDE EUROPE! and in singapore! how cool. so yea i'll help out and we'll see how things go from here. maybe when club training starts again i'll go back. to hell with my pride. it's time to put aside all this and move on. to play just for the sake of playing, just because i love floorball. lets hope watching the championships will bring back all the reasons i started playing.

i hope.

floorball.

Sun, 15 May 2005 01:38:16 GMT

yesterday i played floorball. wow, finally, after like a year or so. haha. no maybe the last time i played was probably half a year ago, but that was like some play-for-fun session at ITE with jill they all. but yesterday was NUS 3-on-3. ladies' team had 10 teams, we were fourth! my team had jerlyn, cheryl and melissa! haha. could have gotten 3rd i figured, probably due to my STUPID mistakes as a defender. haha. little wonder why i didnt make the team huh. but yea.. it was DARN tiring, but fun in a way. i surprised myself, after not playing for a year, that i could still play the way i did. not like fantastic, but alright by own standards. haha. so anyway, being the usual me, now i've got bruises ALL OVER my legs. heehee. 3 on my left and 4 on my right. HAHAHA. and now i'm aching all over.

perhaps i should go back to training. i've been wanting to recently. just that joey says everyone's busy with preparations for the fb world cup coming up real soon so no training for the moment. and i was thinking, since i dont think im gonna get a job, might as well help him with the sale of merchandise then. then i wont be so bored at home, and i can get free passes to watch the matches! quite cool huh. save me money. haha.

oh then i had dinner at sakura at ginza! yummy. ordered fried wanton, kangkong and thai style fried chicken. nice nice! then, after they served us the dishes, the waiter comes to tell us, uhh the rice isnt gonna be ready for another 10 minutes, would we like chicken rice instead? like HUH. i mean, you should have told me this before you served my dishes. what if i insist on plain rice? then i will let my dishes cool down for 10 mins?! and then when we paid, they charged the chicken rice price. (white rice = 70 cents, chicken rice = $1). ok so the difference is only 30 cents per bowl but thats not the point. my point is that, if you asked if i wanted chicken rice instead, if you wanted to charge me the chicken rice price, fine. but you should have at least informed me of the price difference when you first asked me! like, how about next time, might as well tell me, oh we only have pineapple rice left, would you settle for that instead? yea then i stupidly say yes then instead of charging me 70 cents, you might as well charge me 6 bucks! yea!

ok so i'm being a bitch here. haha. but if i ever have my own eatery, these are the things i will take note of. and it'll make my customers happy and they'll keep coming back!

sighh, time to go home.

letter to you

Fri, 13 May 2005 02:32:05 GMT

heyy,

i've never really been good at talking and always feel better when i write so here's a letter to you. i'd like to say, i'm real sorry for blowing up just like that yest. it was a small matter, and i know that you were joking, like all the other times. but i dont know what got into me yest. but please, for yest's matter, or for any other times an incident like this may happen (although i'm praying hard it will never), please put up with me. it's my first time on the other side of the fence, being the one giving and giving. no i'm not saying you don't give, i know you do. but it's my first time. it's my first time feeling ever so insecure, first time being so independent, first time i'm feeling this way. so there are many things i've yet to learn, which i am learning along the way. so if i falter or make mistakes, please put up with me, teach me, correct me.

please don't give up on me.